Friday, February 27, 2009

I Like Big Butts!!!!

Maybe it's all of the high school people that have recently friended me on FB, but I'm feeling nostalgic, so here's a funny memory.

You know how when you're a teenager, you are always concerned with your body image? Well, it became clear to me early on that I was not going to be well-endowed. My boobs just sprouted a bit and then stopped. But what was more concerning to me was my butt. Yes, my butt. You see, when I was growing up it was all about the butt. Boys would try to touch your butt, they would talk about who had a big butt (this was a good thing)...the butt ruled! Alas, I had no butt (still don't unless I'm 10 pounds overweight, but I digress). I am built just like my dad, straight up and down in the back. So nobody ever tried to grab my butt and my name never came up in the locker room. *sigh*

Well, I had an electric blue suede skirt that was so cute! I loved it, except for one thing. It made my butt look even flatter than it was. I loved the skirt, but I hated the way it fit me. I didn't have the luxury of not wearing it, so my desperate 14 year old mind hatched a plan. Girls stuff their bras with toilet paper....I would stuff my butt. Obviously, I couldn't use toilet paper. I thought about it for a long time and then it hit me....a pillow!! We had some small throw pillows on our sofa. I would stuff my butt with a pillow. I ran downsairs and grabbed a pillow. It had a weird shape, but I stuffed it inside my tights and that gave it more of the natural butt look. Now!!! My butt was saying something!!! Baby got back!! Woohoo!!! The only problem was....well, it was a little too plump. Wouldn't the boys who were certified butt watchers notice that all of a sudden there was a new butt on the block? Would I get outed and if so, how would I ever live it down? I took the pillow out again and one look at that flat-as-a-board bottom made the risks well worth it.

I went to bed excited, but I woke up nervous. Would my plan work? I went for it. My parents didn't notice before I left the house. My friends at the bus stop didn't notice. This was good, it must not look too unnatural. I went to my locker before homeroom and one of my guy friends stopped to chat with me. As I walked away he whisteld and complimented my shapley buns with a "Dammmmmnnnnn....". I was elated!!!! Then he reached out to try and cop a feel. Yikes!!! I scooted out of the way. Close call!

Well, my buddy was impressed, because everytime I saw him throughout the day he was talking to another guy and pointing to me. I started to get nervous because I was getting appreciative looks and catcalls all throughout the day. I just knew it was a matter of time before someone grabbed my butt and realized it felt like Charmin. I had gym during 7th period (we had 8 periods), so when I got dressed after gym, I left the pillow in my locker. Guess what! It had absolutely no effect on my rep. LOL!!! For the rest of the day and on the bus ride home, I was still the subject of attention for my 'big' butt!! In just one day I cemented myself a reputation for having a shapely bottom...even when I wasn't stuffing anymore. It's like the Emperor's New Clothes effect. Enough people had labeled me 'nice butt', so it was so...even if people couldn't see it. Hilarious!!! Gotta love high school!!!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Seen and Heard

Jade looked out of the sliding glass door that leads to the deck and gazed at the ocean. Then she made an observation...."Mommy, this water is chocolate"

Hmmm.....that is something you definitely don't want to read in a brochure. Home of the East Coast's most chocolate water!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Is this any way to treat a VIP? Day 1

For his 70th birthday, my dad invited his children and grandchildren to join him for a week long vacation. Unfortunately, at the last minute my husband had to decline because of work commitments and I had to go alone with my two little ones.

HER SIDE: My word! My husband and I just arrived at this lovely luxury resort for a week of relaxation, but we are already off to a bad start. The first thing I noticed when I entered the lobby was a toddler and an older child squealing with delight as they ran around the lobby. Don't get me wrong, I love children. However this child was too little to be allowed to run freely around the hotel lobby and the other child was old enough to know better. I looked around to see where the parents were and I saw a young woman sitting on one of the sofas with her head resting in one hand. She looked terrible and she didn't even try to entertain the kids. They just ran all around the lobby; playing and yelling and causing a big commotion. Twice, they were almost run over by a luggage cart! At one point, the little boy was playing nearly 20 feet away from where she was sitting. He should be kept within arm's reach!!! Not to mention he and his older sister were screeching at the top of their lungs. I think maybe they don't get to play very often. Honestly, if you don't want to take care of the children, why did you have them?
Also, I noticed that she kept glaring at the hard working people at the front desk. I don't know what her problem was, they were so sweet and helpful. Check-in time wasn't until 4pm but they were able to check us in 20 minutes early because we are VIPs. Hmph! I hope we aren't on the same floor as this young lady and her children. And by the way, where in the world is the children's father?
I. DON'T. BELIEVE. THIS. CRAP!!!!!!! I did everything right. I called YESTERDAY and specifically asked for an early check-in. The woman told me that as VIP customers we be able to check in as early as 2pm. She said she sent an e-mail to the front desk, letting them know that we would definitely be taking advantage of this perk. I knew that we would arrive around noon, but I figured we'd see if the room was ready and if not, at least they would know that we were here and ready to check-in at two. We could go to lunch and walk around the resort to kill time. My kids were perfectly FINE at 2pm. But now it is 3:30pm. And my kids are not fine. I am not fine. I am about to lose my mind. They are already losing theirs. They are tired from being in their car seats for 6 hours, then sitting down and behaving at a restaurant for an hour, then back in the car seats for the short trip back to the resort. They need to take their naps. They need to take a bath. They need to get out of these clothes. WE NEED TO CHECK IN!!! And don't even get me started on my dad. He is no help at all! When we got back to the resort at 2p and the room wasn't ready, he went right back downstairs to sit in the car. Easy for him to do...if I attempted to put my kids back in their car seats there would be a full scale mutiny. So, I sit here....right in the middle of the lobby, surrounded by all of my luggage. I will not give them (front desk people) a moment's peace until I have a moment's peace. I will stare them down while my children run rampant all over the lobby, disturbing the other guests and the relaxing atmosphere they've tried to create. I want them to put pressure on the cleaning crew..."get this woman's room cleaned NOW!" I want them to notify me THE MOMENT my room is ready. And that is why I refuse to leave, or stress myself out even more by trying to make my kids behave.
And another thing.....this old lady needs to stop cutting her eyes at me before I give her a piece of my mind!

Ah, FINALLY!!! They're calling my name.....

Monday, February 16, 2009

The first night.....

I am on a one week vacation with my two children but without my husband. It is quite an experience and I'm blogging about it here. This is the second post in the series.

The first night....

Jade slept well. I checked on her several times throughout the night and each time she was out cold, snoring softly. O was the opposite. He tossed and turned. He fidgeted and fussed. At one point I started having a flashback , but that wasn't the case. Then, I thought maybe he was inhaling too much Lysol. You know I Lysol all the sheets upon checking into a hotel. I do it as soon as we arrive, hoping it has a chance to air out before we go to bed, but I didn't intend for him to sleep with me (not sure what I was thinking) and so I did my bed last. Then I started freaking out, thinking he was getting brain damaged with every inhale. Didn't I hear something about how bad Lysol and other aerosols are for the brain! AAGH! What kind of mother am I? The kind who listens to her mother...she's the one who told me to do this! I grabbed one of our beach towels and put it on the bed. Then I put O on top of it. He went to sleep. Damn! I wonder how much damage was done.
Anyway, Jade was up at 7:00am, just like normal. I must admit, it was beautiful to see the sun rising over the ocean. Of course, once Jade was up, we all got up. I washed her up and changed O's diaper. Then they were clamoring for food. It should have taken me about ten minutes to fix them something to eat. However, since I had to answer 100 questions, come look at fifteen things, remove O from 6 dangerous situations while preparing breakfast, it took twice as long.

Sidenote: Am I crazy? I didn't have any bottled water, so I washed a pot and boiled tap water, then put it in the refrigerator to cool before I let them drink it.

After breakfast, I had to vacuum the stray Cheerios off the floor before I let O get out of his booster seat. It's his habit to throw some down for later. Then I cleaned up the kitchen. Then it was off to get them dressed. and do their hair. Finally, at 9:15 they were fed, dressed and ready to go. I, on the other hand, looked crazy and was already exhausted.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Mutually Exclusive

Today I realized something...Jade and I have come to a point in our relationship where our happiness is mutually exclusive. What makes her happy makes me miserable and vice versa. I realized this after a couple of weeks of constantly saying 'no', 'stop', 'please don't do that', 'are you making a good choice', 'what in the world', and yes, even the occasional 'are you crazy?' has slipped out. Jade responds to these statements by ceasing the behavior but also pouting, stomping away, slamming down the offending object, and even throwing herself on the sofa and dissolving into a fit of tears. The quiet following her angst is pure bliss to me however I feel a little guilty because now instead of playing happily she is sulking. Conversely, on those occasions when I try not to be a wet blanket and allow her to make 'music' by banging her silverware on her dishes and the table, hide in my kitchen cabinets nearly taking them off the hinges as she gets in and out, stand on my furniture, swing a jump rope helicopter style in the house and of course my biggest pet peeve, talk (scream) at the top of her lungs, I find myself longing for a straitjacket and a padded room. Sooo, what to do?